Work is okay. It was fine up until a supervisor pulled me aside and asked I wanted this job, said I wasn't looking at the screen often or whatever. I'm a little impressed he watches us, but I told him I've been sick all week, and I'm not normally like that. Which is true, you know. I left work sick yesterday, I even started to get a fever. I think I know what makes me so shaky.

Not only that, I feel like a complete idiot. I've kind of decided to step back from LJ for a little while. I think that might help me, because while it's become my source of relief and support, it's also become the source of my anger and grief right now. Not RP, no, that's a relief, you know. I don't really get myself. I think if I stop reading my friend's pages, I'll stop getting upset, and if I stop getting upset, I won't do something stupid. I want to really smack myself or worse for acting like this. But then it just comes back to the fact I don't want to show I'm angry or speak up. I don't know where the hell it comes from. Then I feel stupid I don't speak up or when I do, so I'm constantly apologizing for worrying someone.

Someone told me I'm too impulsive for my own good, which is true. I'm not doing this out of spite or anger, I just get too upset and I don't know how to fix that. I don't know what I'm doing. I think things are going to change. It makes me loose my faith and trust in people, which is utterly ridiculous. Nothing bad happened, it was just my fault and I'm going to feel horrible for a while.

I wish I had the confidence for anything, I wish it wasn't so frail. I bet they're sick of me, saying I'm overreacting.

I'm just tired, that's all. I'm just begging for an absolution, I'm too scared. I shouldn't be sinking into self-pity and loathing, this is ridiculous. I don't do anything right, and what's worse I wonder if I just stopped, would they notice? Do they not know they mean that much? I can't stop this stupid cycle, I'm such an idiot. I logged onto my personal journal and decided to check my FList. I check a few people every single day, just to make sure they're okay, you know? And... I see she's is upset and is having a hard time. I feel a little guilty, even though I'm not sure what her journal is referring to by schedule issues. It makes me nervous, because I think I've been acting like a spoiled brat all week. I want to send her money, I want to be there and give her a hug. And above all, I want to be someone who gives her much support like everyone. I'm hurt she says she's going to be invisible and only IMs certain people. I know, kind of petty. It makes me wonder what I'm doing and if I'm actually sticking for people or just wanting gratification. I'd thought I never said that.

Compared to her problems, mine are very small, I think. So losing a job and struggling with my own problems is another. Then again, I'm really alarmed at my apathy. I'd get so jealous when they be spamming someone else... like. I don't know. Getting angry about it is difficult, due to often times I feel the need to punish myself. I feel so guilty and idiotic for writing this, but... I'm sure at this rate, they're like, "Oh, did you see what NATALIE said and wrote?". It's late, it'll pass, but those feelings of apathy and hatred with myself scare me. I want to desperately come out and say, "help me, I can't stop this vicious cycle of self-loathing and guilt, and I'm hurting myself for it".

But she's in worse condition. She's having it worse off than me. I want to text her, and be like "I'll send you money to help with your overdraft", but that might be too much, since I'm hanging on by a thread. I pray that this will just stop. "This to will pass"? Does it, really? Seems like each time we get up, we come down. Though I've been trying to combat anger with the reasoning "You must make a positive out of a negative". Though I'm still clinging to, "Don't settle for less"....

I... I don't know. I want to come out and say it.

I have a problem. This is holding me down and I want to be better for each of you. I want to let go of this GUILT and find out the source.

Mine are so small. I'm going to wait. But here I am, hating myself, "Why couldn't I have been there for her?".

I had to at least file over fifty applications, and I have not heard anything back quite yet. Needless to say, I'm feeling a little impatient, maybe even discouraged by that. I don't know what to do. I can't find my car keys and I was going to swing by Primesource Staffing today, but alas. No keys. I'm sure they're around my room somewhere, and you know it's bad when I clean up my room to look for keys. This also means I've gone onto a nocturnal schedule again. As sad as this is to say, I hope I get a schedule of one to ten in the PM hours, but that just might mean it won't be good as a salary. Desperation also marks me filing off links to my DA page to people looking for artists. Oh, lord.

So, in the meantime, I guess... I have to twiddle my fingers. Although I don't really want to. I was hoping that submitting applications and whatnot by the weekend would mean that I would hear things quicker... guess not. But this means something else. Yes, it does. It means...

EXTREME JOB HUNTING!!ONE!!11

I figured I could like. March down 16th Street Mall after I drop off my check and tackle Primesource. I have no clue what this will entail, but I think this might be more attention grabbing, than, say. Sitting here and waiting by my cellphone :/ I was considering going back to Remedy, but I don't know how well that will work.

Sadly! The only plus side to this is my art spurt, due to me getting more sleep, and I'm plenty more coherent. I won't be so sleep deprived, I swear this, come time my next job.

So. This is the first day and one of the things I hate most about life. I hate looking for jobs and I hate sitting around like a bum. I'm actually feeling really disheartened right about now. It was... likely for the best, I keep telling myself. It was making me sick, nervous, and stressed. I woke up for once feeling really relaxed, calm, and rested. But I will never deny that I did need more sleep. I guess I'm too used to being a night person, sadly. I told myself I had to adjust, but I never did. I made a point to show up 30 minutes early because of the move from warehouse. I'm really honestly tired of running it through my head on what happened, what I should have done, and just say I can do better. So that's what I'm going to do.

"Don't settle for less!"

You know, it's hard to follow through with that. It makes every seem so easy, smiles and cheers, but it never works. Nothing has been easy, and I've been so scared to find myself in this position again. I'm so angry. I'm so ridiculous, too, because everyone around me is honestly making me angry. I just want to have one normal conversation with someone around here, but I can't get that. I don't mind hearing about fandoms or movies, but for the love of God, I want to have a conversation with someone. I think sometimes I do this to myself, but I'm too blind to see what I did to cause this... no one tells me.

And yet... I have my phone here, my buddylist loaded, sitting somewhere outside my room. No one really sits down and talks or even bothers, it seems like. I wish I could see what I did to cause this. Then I'm sounding more and more like my mother... why?

They don't realize it. They mean so much to me, and I feel so left out. I don't want a pity party. I want to hear about someone else's day, how they're doing, what's new in their lives. I don't want to hear about the newest movie or fandom. It's funny, because they don't realize some things hurt you. Passing comments and all, but then I shouldn't bottle them up. I hate, HATE to write about my relapses, but... here I am.

Blogging about it. Knowing all too well the cause of it is my anger with myself and inability to talk about it openly, without fear of receiving something negative. I shouldn't be thinking about thoughts like... if I were to just go silent, would anyone notice? But YEAH, that'll work, because I'm just that pathetic to stick around.

Right now, I can just hope and pray and keep asking God "don't let me fall". Just give me some sort of insight on what I'm doing wrong. I never, ever get an answer.
Suppose the only good thing out of this week is that at least Hannah might recant her plans. I'm actually kind of irritated, actually.

I was talking to Liz (the other one) and we're talking about how her "boyfriend" is coming out here to Colorado... the one that might move in or not but RIGHT NOW I KIND OF WISH WE HAD A STRAIGHT ANSWER ON WHAT'S GOING ON. But I told her if that guy is rude, I won't hesitate to snap. So then Hannah IMs me (yes, we do this, even if she's upstairs) and asks why it's such a big deal, and that Liz told her that I was upset about him even being here.

I had to recant everything I said, because Hannah is so damn defensive about this guy. No one likes him. I told her I'm honestly going to avoid him. And she's like, "well, if he does come here, it's not like he'll be on the same level as you!"

She can't be serious. So as of RIGHT NOW no one knows who the fuck is going or staying, but I told them bluntly - and it did make Liz feel guilty SO GOOD - I rather BE HERE than go back to be beaten on my mother. I had to remind them of my mother's history with her mood fluctuations. I don't fucking know anymore. And the best part is, this was a few days ago... it's like a delayed reaction. But it just dawned on me when we're cleaning up. I'm still kind of upset about Friday. I'm just hoping for once I get a chance sometime this week.

You know. I don't know people anymore. If anyone wonders why I get so upset with being kept in the dark, here's your reason why. I don't appreciate it. And I shouldn't feel this way when I'm looking at my friends and wondering what the fuck is going on. I've had a relapse and I'm going to have another one, because some part of me isn't coping with something. So I probably do need to talk about this more. How the hell it starts? It's a blur, it's when I'm so angry with myself not being better or not having the courage to say something. I just want to have someone legitimately come out and take me down.

I'm just so tired of feeling so guilt ridden and not having any confidence in anything I do. Then again, I'm just holding down that part of myself that wants to tell everyone, "I'm so fucking tired of all of you". No one talks to me, no one is honest, no one is truthful, and I get these stupid ass explanations and conversations. Why can't anyone be remotely serious around here? I should just walk away. I'm so tired of clinging to any absolution or hoping for some sort of comfort, I feel as if I'm constantly getting the shaft with no matter what I do.

Since when did I become reduced to someone who was so sick of people?